“I don’t know what to write about, Mom.”
“March Madness is happening right now. A different spin on that than basketball?”
“Like crippling anxiety?”
I’m funny, you guys. I could have been a career comedian in another life. Nobody believes me.
I did the thing! I reached out to the authors and got a very positive response from one of them. The other is sick, so she wasn’t able to respond, so I can’t spin that into a negative thing. My inner demon is quiet for now.
I had a particularly anxious day yesterday because I elected to tackle all of the things I’d been putting off. All the conversations I had been neglecting to start because I convinced myself they weren’t worth it or I would mess up somehow. Naturally, none of them ended negatively and no one was surprised. In other news, ice is cold and the weather in Michigan is unpredictable.
My anxiety still didn’t let up. Suddenly, everything going right was a terrible and overwhelming thing. The self talk changed from “you can’t do this” to “what do you think you’re doing? Who are you fooling with all this productivity? You’re just going to give up in a few weeks anyways. You always do.”
It’s right. I give up. A lot. I let that little voice turn into a shout and I let it overwhelm me and I give up. I’ve had so many good ideas, so many good intentions that I’ve left to be swept away by time. In 2008-2009, I had an idea of taking someone’s picture and asking them if they had stories for me and writing down whatever it was they wanted to say, then positing it to a blog. It was called Six Degrees or something. It’s probably somewhere on WordPress still. I abandoned the idea because it became too scary to talk to people and I got rejected a couple of times.
Humans of New York came along a few years later. Do you know how much I kick myself for not keeping up with that idea? I bet you can guess.
Thing is, though, I said the same thing about this blog. I thought “you’re all excited and you’re hyping it up and all you’re gonna do is let people down when you forget about it in a couple of weeks.”
It’s been a couple of weeks. I’ve missed a couple days, but I have not given up. Even when I have no idea what I’m doing, I still put something on the page. Because something is better than nothing. Something means, for at least today, I’m not quitting or giving in to the temptation to let that voice silence me again.
I’ve got a lot on my horizon. Some of it has me excited. Just about all of it has me terrified. I won’t be giving up on any of it. I don’t think I have it in me to give up anymore.
Just so you all know, this was almost a social post titled “Dog Blog” to match “Cat Chat”. However, my subject was very quiet.