Disappointment and Compromise

So there’s this thing that I do now and then that is easily one of my worst traits. Period, full-stop.

Today is a perfect example to explain this trait.

I wake up and move to the living room. A few minutes later, Pam and Nikki join me. We find a show we all enjoy watching (Great British Baking Show!), and relaxed for a couple episodes. We got up after that, got around, and went to the leasing office to try and take care of something.

The instant we stepped out the door and I feel the warm, pleasant sunshine on my face and the cool breeze on my skin, I was romanced by the possibilities of a relatively pain free day in the sun with Nikki and Pam. Going on to the university campus and enjoying food and conversation on a patio with the hum of activity around us, then pokemon hunting on campus’s bountiful grounds.

That worked for all of two seconds, then I notice that Pam fully intended to go on a nature walk in the woods alone, with just music or a podcast for company. I go along for a little bit anyways and she seems to tolerate/enjoy the walk. Nature walks with me, though, mean paths only and a careful pace. Not what she’s looking for. We’re wrapping up our walk, which was limited by flooding on the paths, and Nikki calls as she’s starting the car, saying she’s going to Schuler’s to work on her DnD character. Besides stranding us (bussing or staying home until she gets back with our only car, at least), she’s taking the idea I have in my head away from me. She stills her plans long enough for all three of us to go outside. Pam wastes no time in grabbing her headphones and making a quick escape from the apartment to more thoroughly explore the woods alone like she intended the first go around.

I plop down on our couch, the good feelings for the day replaced by a selfish desire to cry because things didn’t go the way they looked in my head.

As I said, one of my worst traits. It isn’t helped by today, where the weather outside and both Nikki and Pam having the day off (which only happens once in a rare while) created the opportunity for “a perfect day”. Pain free? Both my people home with no other responsibilities calling our names? Sunny skies and 60 degrees outside, providing a great chance to get out of the cellar that is our garden level dungeon apartment? I didn’t stand a chance against that combination, a truly perfect one to this lonely lemon shut-in.

Texting with Mom yields the opportunity to spend tomorrow’s even warmer and more pleasant day with her, but that doesn’t cure the selfish ache and quivered pout of “but I wanted to do something else!” that I hear myself whine towards my wife.

“I just…hate when people are individuals and don’t follow my plans and do what I want them to.” I state with a laugh, knowing it’s terrible and that it’s a ridiculous thing to experience. Nikki laughs with me and jokes “welcome to every day of my whole life”. It’s true, Nikki is a pro when it comes to pouting about not getting her way, usually resulting in me caving and giving her what she wants. I’m not nearly as cute, so my pouting is pretty easy to ignore. Nikki and Pam, at the very least, seem entirely immune to my pouting.

As Nikki pointed out, though, these warm days bring out a desire and motivation to take care of yourself. That means a pull to be practice self-care independently. As in without me and my plans. This early in the season, though, just drives me outside, Pam and Nikki dragged with me, as excitement over not being forced to stay inside and out of the cold winters that would devastate my body so quickly. My plans are usually thwarted by either the way they intended to spend their day or my own body.

We’re at a local bookstore now, with the suggested compromise that, when Pam finishes her woodsy exploration and Nikki and I have gotten a few responsible things done here, perhaps we can venture on campus for some evening hunting and dining. I feel my disappointment melting away in the sunshine pouring through the cafe windows and being replaced by a cautious optimism.

No matter what, I know today will be a good day, even if it isn’t the perfect day. If we always got perfect, it would be ordinary, right?


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