Mute

“If you’ve fallen in a forest and there’s nobody around, do you ever really crash or even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? It’s like I never made a sound. Will I ever make a sound?”

I’ve typed these lyrics three times today and felt my face burn hot each time. The last several months and the many struggles they have contained have left me with few words and many feelings, most of which I cannot begin to process without feeling burdensome.

Despite the childish nature of my anger, I feel as though it is valid. While some of the conflicts have been resolved and others sit in corners, purposely ignored, I have arrived at the conclusion that the best course of action seems to be keeping my thoughts to myself.

As a writer, blogger, and advocate for emotional health, this is problematic at best and crippling at worst.

Misunderstandings, poor translation of tone, and downright ignorance have been the base of each scenario that has effectively slapped down any feeling of safety for my expression of concerns, thoughts, and feelings. In essence, I feel I have been made incapable of self-expression in any meaningful or positive way or, alternatively, that self-expression will only yield platitudes or complete shut down. Bringing up problems does not result in discussing solutions, it results in ignorance, anger, or being shut out entirely.

Having just today seen the work load that awaits me over the next year and some months for my education, this doesn’t feel like a bad time to withdraw. Allowing myself to move to quiet contemplation and letting negative feelings convert into a spiteful kind of motivation may not be the way I intended to get through this accelerated program, but given the amount of work I have completed in one day of this emotionally removed mentality, I’m not about to complain.

Lemons and Spoons will likely be quiet for quite some time. As I rediscover how best to communicate in a way that allows me to feel safe and valid, I’ll update and likely share. Unfortunately, a blog dedicated to working through feelings in a public setting doesn’t find itself feeling welcome when expressing yourself at all feels like a risk.

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