I Have No Idea What My Body Is Doing

Seriously, people. I don’t have a freakin’ clue. It’s been weird, which is something when I think my body is doing weird things. 

I’ve been crying. At everything. Every. Little. Thing. I’ve been snippy and impatient, crazy motivated, but crushingly depressed. I’ve been running between oversleeping and not sleeping at all in equal, but random turns without any regards to when I take my medications or at what dosages. 

Did I mention the crying? Because dear God, guys, the crying. 

I’m three weeks ahead in my class, but still feel like I can’t take a break. Everything has honestly felt like the kind of nightmare where it isn’t all the horrible stuff, but rather a series of feel good moments interspersed with terror and crying. It’s been months of this, but it feels like it’s finally reaching critical mass. I don’t know where the bomb is, but I feel it, hear it, know its ticking in here somewhere. 

Tonight is the Tony Awards. One of the musicals up for several awards is Dear Evan Hansen, a show about a kid with crippling social anxiety and (spoiler alert) suicidal thoughts acheiving his dream by accident because of a lie. I’ll be watching with my parents, which I’m almost upset about because I HATE crying in front of them for some reason. Given that I cried over a sweet harmony in the Trolls movie this week, I’m not even going to pretend I won’t be reduced to ugly bawling by some point tonight. 

Probably because puppies or something.


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