It’s been one week and two days since I tried to kill myself. It’s getting easier to talk about, but as reactions pour in, I find myself overwhelmed by different people’s feelings and my own. Some have responded calmly and quietly; a gentle hug, an “I’m glad you’re here”. They tend to be the ones who have been here before. They’ve experienced this aftermath, they know the quiet is the easiest to manage.
Others are louder. They are shocked and scared and their emotions are wild. I feel frightened and cornered, ashamed and burdensome. I want to crawl away and out from under their scrutiny, away from their fear and grief. There’s anger in their worry and it feels as if I’m drowning.
Then there’s me.
A small, barely flickering flame has taken up residence here in this broken heart and mind. I donated my birthday to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Project Semi-Colon. I let my post about my attempt begin to circulate a little more widely so that others in my position might see it and feel a little less alone. A project that I had considered over a year ago that had no direction, no purpose, suddenly falls into place; a non-profit dedicated to collecting and sharing resources for at risk individuals of all ages. A single source for information, assistance, advocacy, and education for those impacted by suicide. A place for loved ones to honor those they’ve lost to it, a place for those facing it to find each other and grasp each other tightly.
A few I’ve shared this with have urged me that I’m taking on too much, that I have to be careful.
“Maybe when you’re done with school.”
“Give it a couple years before you take on any more.”
I don’t have the promise of a couple years, though. I don’t have time on my side and the feeling that every second wasted just thinking about it is another second that someone could be getting help they need, but couldn’t find before. If not for the sake of other people, I need this project because the world needs as many lights as it can possibly hold. One single light extinguished because that person felt as if they weren’t worthy is one too many.
Reach out if you need someone. I’m throwing the link to the suicide hotline on this post again if you feel like you truly have no one, but I promise, you are not alone.
There’s a whole tribe of Lemons and Spoonies with you.