“I’m going to stop spending money on things I don’t need!”
“I’m going to go to the gym every day and get fit!”
“I’m gonna lose X pounds and stop eating junk food!”
Tried and true New Year’s Resolutions, these and their brethren are everywhere.
I have a love/hate relationship with New Year’s Resolutions. Ending the year with reflection and contemplation on what you did, how you behaved, things that happened is a great thing! That kind of self-awareness helps us grow and is obviously the starting point for change within yourself and changing your circumstances and the world around you. If we can’t look backwards and find the things we did beautifully and the things that need a little extra polish or maybe just thrown out entirely, we’ll never get anywhere.
But…
Resolutions don’t work. That’s not my pessimism talking, that’s scientific fact: resolutions don’t stick! That article from Psychology Today explains why, but I thought I’d explain a bit more about what they’re talking about.
The reason resolutions don’t work is because we think big and we don’t think about the process of what we’re doing. As stated in the article, most (if not all) resolutions are changing habits. That means the promises of change that we make need to start small and stay positive. “I’m going to watch what I eat and go to the gym” is a pretty tall order and a big change. When (notice I said when, not if), that doesn’t happen, your brain swoops in and starts telling you how you failed so you may as well give up.
This is where reframing becomes more than just a therapy technique for depression, but a process that should be in everyone’s arsenal.
Reframing is the act of shifting your inner dialogue to or with yourself. If you have depression or anxiety, you know some of the crazy things our brains convince us is true about ourselves. That same dialogue and stream of thoughts impact our goal-setting. We strive for success and we don’t want some puny victories! No! We want Big Wins! We want to end the year with bodies like deities, a perfectly managed schedule, an account balance that would leave an A-list celebrity drooling, and no longer reliant on our technology, living that sweet, unplugged life.
Reframe. Let’s scale this back and remember how much something small can impact things overall. Make sure your resolutions are phrased in a positive and affirming way. Instead of “I’m going to unplug from my devices and technology”, which contains a lot of restrictive and negative wording, try “I’m going to try to set aside X amount of time where I put my phone down and let myself exist in the moment”. Meditate, write down how you’re feeling in a journal (y’all are going to be getting a post soon about journaling and it’s mighty power, but not yet). Anything that grounds you to the here and now. Schedule that into your day with reminders. Then slowly begin to extend that time spent and throw in different activities to fill the time. This goes for every resolution: small, repetitive changes in habit that grow into something bigger have a much better chance of surviving the year ahead.
Reframing also involves practicing some serious self-care. If you get mad at yourself for skipping a day at the gym and your inner dialogue is filled with you being mean to yourself, are you going to feel inclined to go again? Who would?! I know I wouldn’t! Try to work it into something you enjoy and, if you miss a day, remind yourself that life happens and we can’t always get what we want, how we want it, but we can change how we react to those setbacks. Didn’t make it to the gym? Spend some time at home running through some stretches and basic exercises and try again tomorrow. No big deal. Trying to eat healthier but devour half a cake at a birthday party? Enjoy that cake and have your goal instead to add healthy foods to your existing diet, not take away from your everyday lifestyle.
Give yourself the opportunity to say “yes” instead of having to constantly tell yourself “no”. Because who likes being told “no”?
Regardless of what you choose this year, if you choose anything at all, I think every single person should aim for one new habit: being kind. Kinder to others and kinder to yourself. Things look and feel pretty bleak right now. Love yourself and others fiercely, engage in radical generosity, be curious and mindful, live with the intent of being proud of yourself. You do tiny, yet extraordinary things every day. Kevin Cloud says “Our actions and words cause ripples. You may not see what that ripple does, but it happens and it impacts everything it comes in contact with.”
Make waves in 2020. See you next year, lovely lemons and spectacular spoonies.
Lemons and Spoons 