I Still Have It Bookmarked

Well, it sure has been some time, huh?

I reached out to a friend I haven’t spoken to since 2019. Not because I don’t like her or there was some spat. Simply because time escaped us and we both dance with the belief that reaching out would be a bother to the other. Brains are ridiculous sometimes. This blog came up and she told me “I still have it bookmarked.”

I don’t know what about that one little sentence managed to break through so many barriers between me and simply…writing. Maybe it was realizing how much has happened in my life that I had to catch her up on. A divorce, moving to Chicago on my own to attend university. Taking a sledgehammer to the bookshelf I’d shelved all my old passions on, picking up the pieces I didn’t realize I’d been missing. Not walking, but running into a new life for myself.

Oh, hey, you guys didn’t know a lot of that either.

Only a few months after my last post here, the day after our anniversary, Nikki and I sat in our new living room, in deafening quiet as she asked for a divorce. It hurt, but things were amicable and thankfully it wasn’t a messy process. We worked together through it until it was finalized fall of last year.

The same week the divorce was agreed upon, I went to Chicago with Pam to tour a university there. I applied to attend immediately after the tour and was accepted a couple of weeks later. I started in January of 2022 and 4.0’d my first semester. I stayed in Chicago over the summer on my own and learned so much about myself, who I am as an individual.

Turns out, that’s a really hard process.

There were a lot of tears and fears. A lot of moments I thought I couldn’t do it.

In fall of 2022, I managed a 3.5 for the semester amidst several tragic events and personal crises. In spring of 2023, another tragic event, covid, and I tried to take my own life. I came home feeling defeated and lost all over again.

But along the way, I got back into theatre, singing, and writing, including writing for the school paper. I found my faith as a pagan again. I spent a night working in a haunted house. I made new friends with college kids ten years younger than me, but who held so much wisdom, conviction, humor, love, and kindness. Faculty and staff who held so much room in their hearts for me as a student and an individual and were willing to work with me and my lemon and spoonie self that I could actually experience success. My friends and family cheered me on, visited, kept me moving forward when my brain lied to me and said I couldn’t and caught me when I fell. I could go on forever in the ways that they changed me and supported me but I’ll spare you from my rambling gratitude.

I met a pretty amazing guy that is so full of life, it’s infectious. He encourages me to embrace the fact that I just might be brave, bold, and important after all. He’s dazzling. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for us.

There you have it, the cliffnotes of my life since I last posted.

So much has changed, but thankfully, I still had quite a bit of myself bookmarked.

Thanks, Bri. This one’s for you.